Miracles do happen, and healing from abuse is possible! I may have experienced the greatest evidence of this in my own life just last night. The treatment for colitis is bringing up some very traumatic memories. The typical pattern is that when this issue resurfaces, I have nightmares, and often even flashbacks. I'm into day 4 so far, and this hasn't happened.This is a huge step in healing for me.

In fact, I had a pretty amazing dream last night. I woke up about 3:30 (due to minor pain, not as bad as it has been.) I was dreaming when I woke up. I can't remember the context of this dream, but I was saying again and again "Yeshua Hamashiach." This was pretty incredible, because it is not a name I'm familiar with. I know the name Yeshua very well. It is Jesus in Hebrew. But though I have heard Hamashiach before, and I know that it is His title Messiah or Christ, it is not a word that I claim to know. In fact, it took several hours of hard thinking and an internet search before I could even remember what the name was!

This is an amazing sign of recovery. I'm facing one of my most violent, humiliating memories, and instead of having nightmares and flashbacks, I wake up from a dream where I'm praising my Savior - even when I'm in the middle of an attack of pain! It just isn't possible to doubt that Jesus does miracles, and that healing is possible, when things like this happens.

This week, with the pain I've been in from my colitis, has been very stressful. One of my weaknesses is that when I'm stressed, I'm very vulnerable to temptations.

One of my constant struggles is to be honest when things go wrong. I faced that challenge this morning, when feeling far too weak to deal with it.

I found a mistake on a data report. I was adding something to a sheet from over a week ago, and noticed that what was in the computer did not match up with what was on my data sheet. I typed in that a sample was run at a 10X dilution. My sheet - which is correct - said it was a 20X. So the client got sample results that were half of what they really were.

It's crazy to think that this could effect me as much as it did. But for some reason, these things always do. I had a moral decision to make at this point. I could ignore it and hope the client never realizes that something is wrong. If they do complain later that their data isn't what was expected, I could pretend I had not noticed it now. Or I could go to my boss, admit I made a mistake, and have them send out a corrected report.

It seems like such an easy decision. It should have been. But the terror I experience whenever I make a mistake just won't go away. I battled the temptation for a few minutes, and then realized that I am not my own. I can't afford to protect myself. The quality of the data is our company's reputation. More importantly, my honesty reflects upon my God. If I believe what I preach, I have to live it out even when it scares me.

I talked to my boss. He wasn't thrilled, but he wasn't mad either. You'd think by now I'd know this is what will happen.

I am so grateful for the work of the Holy Spirit in this. I'm fairly certain that a few years ago I would have taken the easy but dishonest way out.

I've been struggling with a colitis flare-up since Thursday afternoon. I made it through our home church meeting fine, things didn't get really bad until about midnight. But I've been pretty miserable ever since then.

I was trying to track what I could have done to bring this on. Usually it is easy to trace: I ate broccoli, or whole wheat. But on Wednesday, I had fasted until dinner. At dinner, I had macaroni hamburger helper - not something that causes me problems.

Part of the problem could certainly be my stress level. Ever since Wyatt left and I have taken over his methods, I have been pretty stressed out. Trying to keep up with everything has been a challenge, and doing new things in general makes me a bit anxious.

My doctor told me that fasting does tend to cause flare-ups in people with irritable bowel syndrome, so this could be part of my problem too. Apparently, when the colon sits empty for a bit, putting food into it again causes irritation. So she suggested I try an alternative to my fasting.

I want to keep up this discipline, but like diabetics, I am just going to have to adjust it to fit my health needs. After all, suffering for no reason at all is not pious, just foolish. And if I fast and as a result incapacitate myself for a week, I'm not benefiting God's Kingdom at all!

So, on my fasting days, I will eat, but only a predetermined food, like maybe toast or oatmeal. The doctor said oatmeal would be best, because the fiber would help.

In the meantime, I'm still recovering, and living on toast, jell-o, and mashed potatoes. I have to confess, I have done precious little Bible study since this flare up started. I can hardly think straight, because I'm in so much pain. I have been praying, but it is sporadic, and brief. And sadly, much of my prayers have consisting of begging for relief. I hate being this self focused.

I worked on Friday, and went to our block party at Debra Heights on Saturday, and that activity didn't help me recover. I don't think it made it worse though. I stayed home all day Sunday and barely moved, but there was still no improvement. I tried to work today, but after going to the doctor, I gave up. I was in too much pain, and I was running a fever. My white blood cell count was normal, so the fever is most likely a sign that I may be getting dehydrated, and exhausted.

Whenever I stay home from church or work, I am plagued with guilt. I have always fought the belief that I'm lazy, or a hypochondriac. Whenever I'm sick, I assume I'm really faking it. It takes extreme symptoms like this for me to accept that an illness is real. All day yesterday, I felt horrible for missing church. I know logically that staying home was the right thing to do. I probably should have stayed home Friday and Saturday. I am fighting the same guilt today, because I missed half a day at the lab.

I know that this is not logical at all. I know that God wants me to take care of this body that He has given me. I know He isn't a merciless task master, driving me to perform when I clearly can't. Yet because of my messed up perceptions, I have felt ashamed and separated from Him for the past few days.

I want to live out what we talked about Thursday night. I really do want to abide in Christ. I want Him to be first in my life all the time. It is hard enough to do this when life is full, and I'm working at top speed trying to catch up. For some reason, it is even harder for me when I'm sick.

It would make sense if I could say it is because I feel He has abandoned me by letting me suffer, but that isn't it at all. Instead, I feel shame for being sick. I assume it is because I did something stupid to bring it on, or that I'm faking in order to crawl under the covers and avoid life. I know this isn't the truth, yet still it is how I feel. Even a diagnosis can't take away the certainty that I'm just plain stupid, lazy, or both.

This deep rooted shame makes me want to hide from God. It isn't the smartest response, I know. Those times are when I need Him most. So I'm trying to break out of this pattern. I'm trying to pray, trying to still listen to my scripture podcasts, trying to read when I can focus. I can't afford to separate myself from Him now. I'm too weak and vulnerable. He is the source of my life, especially when I have nothing left in myself.

I wish it was always easy to live what I believe. I wish my intellectual understanding of the situation could easily overcome my gut level reactions. I wish I was always strong and healthy. But it is during these times that my faith grows, and I learn to be more dependent on Him. Lord Jesus, help me to cling to You when I need You most!

And hopefully my new meds will work quickly and I can get back to my normal self in a day or two.