You let the distress bring you to God, not drive you from Him.  The result was all gain, no loss.  Distress that drives us to God does that.  It turns us around.  It gets us back in the way of salvation.  We never regret that kind of pain.  But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets.  And now, isn't it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God?  You're more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible.  Looked at from any angle, you've come out of this with purity of heart.

The Message, 2 Corinthians 7:9-12

I don't like making mistakes.  A panic rises in me that is indescribable whenever I think I have done something wrong.  Growing up, a small blunder could bring terrible beatings.  I've not fully recovered from that.  So when I do something wrong now, whether intentional or unintentional, I'm terrified.

The sad thing is, I'm not perfect.  Oh how I wish I were!  But sometimes I'm still selfish, or I'm irritable, or sometimes I just get careless and do something foolish.  I try to be perfect, but I can't pull it off.

This last week, I made a mistake.  (OK, I made more than one.  But I'm only going to talk about one!)  I started 12 flasks boiling on the distillation rack at work, then went into the cooler to get some samples.  I had trouble finding what I needed, and was in there too long.  When I got back out, my flasks had boiled down to nothing.  In a rush I turned them off and disconnected them, but it was too late.  Six of the flasks had cracks in them, and two of them exploded in my face.  I'm amazed I wasn't seriously injured by the flying shards of very hot glass.

I panicked.  My first thought was, "How can I hide this?"  What a foolish thought!  The noise from the exploding flasks was hard to ignore.  My coworkers ran to the scene to make sure I was OK.  That was bad enough, the embarrassment was intense.  But one of the other chemist alerted my boss.  Sheer terror exploded in my head, causing far more chaos and destruction than those flasks could every have caused.  My mind was racing as I desperately looked for a way out of this situation.

Jim came running, and said, "Are you OK?  Don't worry about the flasks.  We have more flasks.  ARE YOU OK?!!!"

I was stunned.  My expectation was punishment.  That expectation has been drilled into my head since I was a small child.  I spill my milk, I am beaten until I can't sit.  Surely if I make a mistake that destroys 8 flasks that cost a couple hundred dollars each, I am at the very least going to get fired!

Isn't it funny that after all these years as a Christian, after all this time with a good, kind husband, and after 2 years at a job where mistakes are understood (though clearly discouraged!), I still haven't internalized the message of grace.

This passage of scripture is about grace.  The Corinthians had a sin issue in their church that the apostle Paul had to address in a previous letter.  A man was living in sexual immorality, and instead of lovingly correcting them, they were proud of their tolerance as they embraced his behavior.  (There is a serious message for today's church in that situation...but that is another topic entirely!)

It hurt them a lot to be criticized.  It is never fun to face the truth that you have been wrong.  But once Paul pointed out that truth, they had a choice to make - how were they going to respond?

They could have become angry, defensive, and bitter.  I've done that so many times I'm ashamed to even think about it.  It isn't that I don't know right from wrong.  I just get so afraid of the coming punishment, I try to use the sheer force of my will to convince my accuser that I'm justified, and therefore OK.  The Corinthians could have done that.  

They could have made excuses, lived in denial, much like I wanted to try to hide the broken flasks.  They could have denied that they really understood what was happening, or that others may have approved, but not ME!

Instead, they did something that I struggle a lot with.  They accepted the criticism, and fixed the problem.  They modeled the concept of repentance.  It was a painful situation, but because they faced the truth and repented, they received grace.  Because with God, correction or discipline is much different from how I experienced it in my childhood.

Back then, discipline was not designed to teach me anything or to help me grow.  It served only as a release for my mother's anger and frustration.  My response was irrelevant.  Punishment continued until she felt some kind of release.  (My mother did the best she knew how to do, having been raised in the same type of atmosphere.  She made mistakes, and also deserves grace.  She is learning better responses now.)

When God disciplines, His intent is very different.  He has no issues with out-of-control anger.  So His anger isn't because His ego is hurt; it is because our sin is destroying us, His beloved children.  His love is so great He simply cannot let it go unchallenged, any more than I could allow one of my children to become involved in drug abuse without my intervention.  Love demands discipline, because sin destroys the sinner.  

God's desire in His disciplining is for us to grow closer to Him, and to become pure and holy.  His discipline is done in love, and with grace.  It is for our benefit, not just so He can vent His frustrations.

It is never fun facing mistakes and failure.  But it can make me stronger.  But that will only happen if I can be humble enough to admit my failures, and learn from them.  For me this takes a tremendous about of trust in the goodness and grace of God.

Struggles and Answers to Prayer

⁵ Then, teaching them more about prayer, he used this illustration: “Suppose you went to a friend’s house at midnight, wanting to borrow three loaves of bread. You would say to him, ⁶ ‘A friend of mine has just arrived for a visit, and I have nothing for him to eat.’ ⁷ He would call out from his bedroom, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is locked for the night, and we are all in bed. I can’t help you this time.’ ⁸ But I tell you this—though he won’t do it as a friend, if you keep knocking long enough, he will get up and give you what you want so his reputation won’t be damaged.

⁹ “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks.

¹¹ “You fathers—if your children ask for a fish, do you give them a snake instead? ¹² Or if they ask for an egg, do you give them a scorpion? Of course not! ¹³ If you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him.”

Holy Bible : New Living Translation. 1997, c1996 (electronic ed.) (Lk 11:4). Wheaton: Tyndale House

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A week ago Friday, I had an answer to prayer.  It seems like a silly thing, but it was very important to me at that time.  You see, I had just read this passage that morning, and was struggling with all it says.

I didn't have good parents.  My needs were not only unmet, they were disdained.  My entire adult life, when I have read this passage, I wonder...what happens to those of us who DID get the snake instead of the fish, and therefore learned that nobody can be trusted?

(Admittedly, I'm seeing this from the eyes of a hurt child, not a good parent.  I would never treat my own children in such a way, and my perspective is totally different when I see this passage as Jesus stated it.  If my kids ask me for something, I'd move heaven and earth if possible to get them what they need.)

On Thursday, I ran into a problem at work.  I needed to run a test on a city water sample, but the sample was nowhere to be found.  I spent about an hour in a walk-in cooler, about the size of an average bedroom, looking for it.  I was frozen, and still without my sample.

On Friday morning, I read this passage, and perhaps foolishly decided to test God.  I told Him I really needed that sample, it was gone, and I was desperate.  Because the sad truth is, even if the sample is missing, if the results aren't in, I am the one in trouble.  

I prayed a ridiculously childish prayer, explaining that really, much more was at stake here than getting these results in on time.  What was really at stake was my ability to trust.  So many painful things have happened over the past few years in ministry, my faith has been shaken to the core.  I needed some evidence that God really does care about me.  I needed God to give me that sample.

The first thing I did when I got to work was to go into the cooler.  I didn't even go to my lab first to get my lab coat.  And sure enough...the sample was still not on the shelf it was supposed to be on.  So I prayed again, and started looking on all the shelves again, even though I had done that several times the night before.  After about 5 minutes, I found the sample, sitting all by itself at the back of a shelf, nowhere near where it was supposed to be.

I was stunned at first, and must have checked the numbers on the label a dozen times to make sure it was really what I was looking for.  Then I knelt down on the freezing concrete and thanked God for His answer.

I didn't realize just how important that answer to a simple prayer was going to be until the weekend, but God surely knew.  

On Sunday evenings I was in the cooler, getting some samples that needed to be set on a digester overnight, so I could run my tests for results due on Monday.  I can't really explain what happened, except that I had some sort of flashback from past abuse.  I had an intense panic attack, then I "forgot" what I had just thought of.  It is strange to say that I can remember forgetting, but I can't remember what I forgot...never mind...I'm confusing myself!

Anyway, whatever that was, it has left me off balance all week long.  And all week, despite the pain and confusion and panic, I have remembered these verses and God's answer to a seemingly meaningless request.  If God would listen to me, and help me when all I needed was to find a lost sample, then He surely knows what is going on now, even when I don't, and He will help me.

At times like this, God's promises can be like sand on the beach.  There is an endless supply, but when I try to grab onto it and hold on to it, it just seems to slip through my fingers.  But I can bury my hand in the sand, and then it is surrounded by it on all sides.  I can't grab God's promises and hold them and make them work how I want them to.  But I can bury myself in them and just wait this out.