I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.

I feel overwhelmed. There are times that starting a new church seems as natural as breathing. God created me to be a pastor. I have confidence in my skills, and in my God. But at other times, I’m pretty sure I’m insane for even trying such a thing.

I have been a pastor since 1997, and though I have loved it, it also brought much pain. I know how fulfilling ministry can be, and I know how hard it can be.

I have seen God move, and people saved. I have watched lives be transformed. I also sat by helpless and heartbroken as a church closed its doors. I have faced the unexplainable problem of silence from Heaven in the midst of deep pain.

Starting a church from scratch is terrifying. Right now we have 12 wonderful people who love the Lord. Our mission is simple: grow deeper in our love for and dependence on Jesus, and help others to know His saving grace for themselves. This is what I live my life for. Now there are others living this way along side me. It is wonderful.

But the responsibility is terrifying. Am I any where good enough to fill the role handed me? Absolutely not. I have never been perfect, and I never will be. I made some royal messes in my churches in the past, and I am aware of the likelihood of making brand new messes.

I am also not smart enough to pull this off. I may have a basic idea of planning, organizing and vision. But I’m not very charismatic. I have never been great at getting people to follow my plans.

Money is always an issue. My precious church in Clarinda closed because of a lack of funding. We prayed in faith, but still we closed. It is scary to step out a second time, and trust that this time will be different.

I live with a deep fear that God may let me fail again. And if that happens, what will I have left? Will I ever be able to be a pastor again, if this venture doesn’t pan out?

There are plenty of other fears and doubts. What will I do when conflict (which is an inevitable part of life) arises? Will I have the necessary wisdom to handle it? Will I know what to do, at the right time, to balance growth with spiritual formation? Do I have the intelligence to navigate a capitol campaign and a building project? Am I in over my head?

Absolutely, I am. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. If all this was something I could do in myself, I would do it myself. I would build my own little kingdom, proudly demonstrating to the world how amazing I am. And it would all be worthless.

But in this, I have nothing except a desire, and the realization that Jesus is building His church. It may be scary at times, and I’m sure it will get messy. But this is His project, and He is allowing me to join in.

I am committing to daily prayer, not only for my own spiritual needs, but for the direction of this church. Every aspect, from what songs to play, what scriptures to discuss, to what to have for dinner that night, I am bringing to Him. I am trusting that He will guide me. When problems do arise, my plan is to pray, and fast, and pray some more. Then I will do whatever He leads me to do, even if it scares me half to death.

I am planning to fast every Wednesday. This is in part because I know that my appetite tends to control me, and I want to be controlled only by God. It is also in part because I believe that God moves when we pray and fast.

Years ago, I read a biography of Louise Chapman, a Nazarene missionary. Whenever they would have evangelical meetings, she committed herself to pray and fast. She refused to eat until she saw God moving, and lives being changed.

I don’t have this discipline. But in her life, I don’t think discipline was the issue. Passion was. She had a very deep sense of what was at stake. She did not want to see anyone lost for eternity. In her mind, a few days of hunger pangs was well worth it, if even one soul was plucked from the clutches of hell.

Lord, fill me with your Spirit. I am desperate for You. Give me Your vision, Your wisdom, and Your love. I can’t do this without You.

Being Transformed

Romans 12:1-2And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. ² Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

New Living Translation

Jesus has done so much for me. He loved me when I felt unlovable. He healed my broken spirit. He has given me a life worth living. As Paul said in this passage, surely when I think of all He has done for me, it isn't too much to ask for me to live for Him. But really...what does that mean? It sounds so nice, to say that I am offering my life to Jesus. But on a practical level, how do I go about doing that?

Paul suggests that part of this means letting God determine my values. Society and my own desires want to dictate how I live. But this was what caused my downfall to begin with. My original state was one of self indulgence and self preservation. I did what felt good, and what seemed safe. This opened doors for immoral behavior and deception. Along with it came guilt and shame.

God's will is that I be pure, and holy. There is no room for moral compromise. There is real freedom in knowing that even if things are unpleasant, if I have been sincere and faithful, I don't have to live with a fear of exposure. God's way is always best. My way leads to secrets, shame, and fear.

But when the pressure is on, I am so weak. Instinct seems to drive me to sinful responses. Or...I should say it used to do so. That has been changing. God is working.

Because of His grace and love, I want to offer my life to Him. Because of this, I have confessed my weaknesses and failures, and asked for His help in changing. He has faithfully helped me to change, by actually changing how I think. When under stress, I notice two responses. The first is my natural, sinful reaction, that leads to trouble. The second is God's way for me to react. And I get to choose which one I act on.

I will admit, too often I choose poorly. But more and more, I'm finding I can't live with that choice. Before hardly any time at all passes, I'm pleading for forgiveness and a chance for a "do-over." And even better, I'm making the right choice more frequently.

Transformation is not easy, or comfortable. It isn't something I can do by myself. But it is something I can ask for. After that, my task is to cooperate as God performs a truly awesome miracle - changing the way I think!