I've been struggling with a colitis flare-up since Thursday afternoon. I made it through our home church meeting fine, things didn't get really bad until about midnight. But I've been pretty miserable ever since then.

I was trying to track what I could have done to bring this on. Usually it is easy to trace: I ate broccoli, or whole wheat. But on Wednesday, I had fasted until dinner. At dinner, I had macaroni hamburger helper - not something that causes me problems.

Part of the problem could certainly be my stress level. Ever since Wyatt left and I have taken over his methods, I have been pretty stressed out. Trying to keep up with everything has been a challenge, and doing new things in general makes me a bit anxious.

My doctor told me that fasting does tend to cause flare-ups in people with irritable bowel syndrome, so this could be part of my problem too. Apparently, when the colon sits empty for a bit, putting food into it again causes irritation. So she suggested I try an alternative to my fasting.

I want to keep up this discipline, but like diabetics, I am just going to have to adjust it to fit my health needs. After all, suffering for no reason at all is not pious, just foolish. And if I fast and as a result incapacitate myself for a week, I'm not benefiting God's Kingdom at all!

So, on my fasting days, I will eat, but only a predetermined food, like maybe toast or oatmeal. The doctor said oatmeal would be best, because the fiber would help.

In the meantime, I'm still recovering, and living on toast, jell-o, and mashed potatoes. I have to confess, I have done precious little Bible study since this flare up started. I can hardly think straight, because I'm in so much pain. I have been praying, but it is sporadic, and brief. And sadly, much of my prayers have consisting of begging for relief. I hate being this self focused.

I worked on Friday, and went to our block party at Debra Heights on Saturday, and that activity didn't help me recover. I don't think it made it worse though. I stayed home all day Sunday and barely moved, but there was still no improvement. I tried to work today, but after going to the doctor, I gave up. I was in too much pain, and I was running a fever. My white blood cell count was normal, so the fever is most likely a sign that I may be getting dehydrated, and exhausted.

Whenever I stay home from church or work, I am plagued with guilt. I have always fought the belief that I'm lazy, or a hypochondriac. Whenever I'm sick, I assume I'm really faking it. It takes extreme symptoms like this for me to accept that an illness is real. All day yesterday, I felt horrible for missing church. I know logically that staying home was the right thing to do. I probably should have stayed home Friday and Saturday. I am fighting the same guilt today, because I missed half a day at the lab.

I know that this is not logical at all. I know that God wants me to take care of this body that He has given me. I know He isn't a merciless task master, driving me to perform when I clearly can't. Yet because of my messed up perceptions, I have felt ashamed and separated from Him for the past few days.

I want to live out what we talked about Thursday night. I really do want to abide in Christ. I want Him to be first in my life all the time. It is hard enough to do this when life is full, and I'm working at top speed trying to catch up. For some reason, it is even harder for me when I'm sick.

It would make sense if I could say it is because I feel He has abandoned me by letting me suffer, but that isn't it at all. Instead, I feel shame for being sick. I assume it is because I did something stupid to bring it on, or that I'm faking in order to crawl under the covers and avoid life. I know this isn't the truth, yet still it is how I feel. Even a diagnosis can't take away the certainty that I'm just plain stupid, lazy, or both.

This deep rooted shame makes me want to hide from God. It isn't the smartest response, I know. Those times are when I need Him most. So I'm trying to break out of this pattern. I'm trying to pray, trying to still listen to my scripture podcasts, trying to read when I can focus. I can't afford to separate myself from Him now. I'm too weak and vulnerable. He is the source of my life, especially when I have nothing left in myself.

I wish it was always easy to live what I believe. I wish my intellectual understanding of the situation could easily overcome my gut level reactions. I wish I was always strong and healthy. But it is during these times that my faith grows, and I learn to be more dependent on Him. Lord Jesus, help me to cling to You when I need You most!

And hopefully my new meds will work quickly and I can get back to my normal self in a day or two.