I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.

I feel overwhelmed. There are times that starting a new church seems as natural as breathing. God created me to be a pastor. I have confidence in my skills, and in my God. But at other times, I’m pretty sure I’m insane for even trying such a thing.

I have been a pastor since 1997, and though I have loved it, it also brought much pain. I know how fulfilling ministry can be, and I know how hard it can be.

I have seen God move, and people saved. I have watched lives be transformed. I also sat by helpless and heartbroken as a church closed its doors. I have faced the unexplainable problem of silence from Heaven in the midst of deep pain.

Starting a church from scratch is terrifying. Right now we have 12 wonderful people who love the Lord. Our mission is simple: grow deeper in our love for and dependence on Jesus, and help others to know His saving grace for themselves. This is what I live my life for. Now there are others living this way along side me. It is wonderful.

But the responsibility is terrifying. Am I any where good enough to fill the role handed me? Absolutely not. I have never been perfect, and I never will be. I made some royal messes in my churches in the past, and I am aware of the likelihood of making brand new messes.

I am also not smart enough to pull this off. I may have a basic idea of planning, organizing and vision. But I’m not very charismatic. I have never been great at getting people to follow my plans.

Money is always an issue. My precious church in Clarinda closed because of a lack of funding. We prayed in faith, but still we closed. It is scary to step out a second time, and trust that this time will be different.

I live with a deep fear that God may let me fail again. And if that happens, what will I have left? Will I ever be able to be a pastor again, if this venture doesn’t pan out?

There are plenty of other fears and doubts. What will I do when conflict (which is an inevitable part of life) arises? Will I have the necessary wisdom to handle it? Will I know what to do, at the right time, to balance growth with spiritual formation? Do I have the intelligence to navigate a capitol campaign and a building project? Am I in over my head?

Absolutely, I am. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. If all this was something I could do in myself, I would do it myself. I would build my own little kingdom, proudly demonstrating to the world how amazing I am. And it would all be worthless.

But in this, I have nothing except a desire, and the realization that Jesus is building His church. It may be scary at times, and I’m sure it will get messy. But this is His project, and He is allowing me to join in.

I am committing to daily prayer, not only for my own spiritual needs, but for the direction of this church. Every aspect, from what songs to play, what scriptures to discuss, to what to have for dinner that night, I am bringing to Him. I am trusting that He will guide me. When problems do arise, my plan is to pray, and fast, and pray some more. Then I will do whatever He leads me to do, even if it scares me half to death.

I am planning to fast every Wednesday. This is in part because I know that my appetite tends to control me, and I want to be controlled only by God. It is also in part because I believe that God moves when we pray and fast.

Years ago, I read a biography of Louise Chapman, a Nazarene missionary. Whenever they would have evangelical meetings, she committed herself to pray and fast. She refused to eat until she saw God moving, and lives being changed.

I don’t have this discipline. But in her life, I don’t think discipline was the issue. Passion was. She had a very deep sense of what was at stake. She did not want to see anyone lost for eternity. In her mind, a few days of hunger pangs was well worth it, if even one soul was plucked from the clutches of hell.

Lord, fill me with your Spirit. I am desperate for You. Give me Your vision, Your wisdom, and Your love. I can’t do this without You.