What's in a name?

Lately I have been thinking about what my name means.  The reason for this is a conversation I had not too long ago with my mother.  She asked, "I've told you the story about how you were born, right?"  Well...yes mom, you have.  I know the act of violence that led to my conception, I know how my father then tried to end my life by abusing you.  I've heard it before.

But I heard her say something new this time.  She has said it before, but for some reason it never sunk in until a few weeks ago.  She told me that she knew that there was something special about this baby she was carrying.  She wasn't a Christian yet, but still, she knew that God had a special purpose for that baby.  And on the way to the hospital for my birth, she said she told her mother, brother, and cab driver that the baby was a girl, her name was to be Sharon Ann, and all that mattered was that I be healthy.  She didn't know any of this until that moment in the cab.  It wasn't a name she chose, it was a name she just "knew" was right.

And for the first time I really heard the message of that story - I was named by God!  Surely this name must mean something!

So I did some research, and I admit, the results were a bit disappointing.  Sharon, according to most name dictionaries, means "A fruitful plain in Palestine."  Wow...I'm named after a nice piece of farmland.  Thrilling.  I extended my search, and discovered that Sharon is a derived from the Hebrew word "Sar" - to sing.  That is a bit better, I love music.  But I'm not a great singer, so as much as I like this idea, that can't be what God's reason was for giving me this name.

Another site said

"The name Sharon may have to do with the word  (shiryon 2466a), body armor, but why a plain would be named Body Armor is not clear. The coastal plain of Sharon was proverbial for beauty. Perhaps it reminded people of the shiny appearance of a soldier dressed up in full regalia.  The word above is a derivation of the untranslated root  (shrh 2463-2466), which lies very close to the untranslated but very attractive root (shrr 2469). This latter root yields the following derivations: (shor 2469a), umbilical cord,  (shera 2469b), bracelet, (sharir 2469c), sinew or muscle,  (sherirut 2469d), stubbornness. These verbally related items seem to be practically related by a general hardness or toughness, but that doesn't seem to be applicable to the Plain of Sharon right away. Perhaps an even deeper consistency lies in a general attachment; the umbilical cord, the sinew. Stubbornness may be stylized into a holding fast to "own counsel" (Jer 7:24), and both a bracelet and body armor are closely connected to the body. Perhaps the bracelet shows yet another form of attachment, namely between the wearer and the giver of it. Perhaps the Plain of Sharon was so beautiful that the inhabitants named it Attachment. That explanation would certainly connect to the bride of the Song, who deliberately identifies herself with a certain flower of Sharon."  

WikiAnswers says "Sharon is a name of Hebrew origin meaning " princess; the one who laughs" has a glowing personality, is contented with her life and one who inspires others to succeed."

The name Ann is a bit simpler.  It means "gracious, full of grace."  That name I like!

So let's see...I'm Sharon Ann - A singer (at least in my dreams!), a laughing princess with a glowing personality, reflecting the character of a beautiful, productive plain in Palestine.  I am to bring God's grace to people, and in doing so I will be fruitful.  I should be strong and stubborn as I do this.  I can't be distracted by the opinions and criticisms of others, I need to follow the leading of God's Spirit within my own heart.  If I have the interpretation right, this is a pretty good name!

In the Bible, God gave specific names to several people, and it always meant something important.  Isaac meant "He who laughs", a reminder of the doubt his parents had that caused them to laugh when the announcement of his imminent birth was made.  It also symbolized the joy he would bring his parents as that promise was fulfilled. 

Jacob's name was changed to Israel, meaning "He struggles with  God."  Jacob wrestled with God, demanding a blessing, before he met with his brother Esau.  He wouldn't give up.  Now an entire nation carries this name.

Zechariah was instructed to name his son John.  This name means "God is gracious."  This was a fitting name for the man who was to be the forerunner to Jesus.

Jesus changed his disciple Simon's name to Peter, meaning "rock."  Peter's faith in the fact that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, was to be a solid rock for building the church, a foundation that we all are building on, even now.

And Joseph was told to name Mary's baby Jesus, "The Lord is Salvation."  And He was to be called Emmanuel, meaning "God with us."  What a great name for a great Savior!

I know that not every child was specifically named by God.  My kids weren't, as special as they are.  We chose their names out of baby name books, looking for names that were attractive and sounded pleasing together.  I did look at the meaning of the chosen names.  Kristen means "Bearer of Christ."  Jocelyn means "lover of justice."  Those are pretty good concepts to name a child after.  But Scott means "tatooed one."  I certainly didn't name Scott with the hopes of him covering himself head to toe with tatoos!  I just liked how the name sounded.

But names given by God are special.  And there is a really exciting promise in the book of Revelation - as part of our salvation, God is going to give us new names, names that are meant just for us.  

"Anyone who is willing to hear should listen to the Spirit and understand what the Spirit is saying to the churches. Everyone who is victorious will eat of the manna that has been hidden away in heaven. And I will give to each one a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved a new name that no one knows except the one who receives it."

Re 2:17

There is hope in the name I have now, and I'm just learning what that hope means.  But this is exciting!  Someday, my Savior is going to hand me a beautiful white stone with a new name on it.  And that name is going to reflect all of His love for me.  It will clearly define me in Him.  It will be special, sacred.  I can't wait to find out what it is!

Psalm 139:1-18

¹     O Lord, you have examined my heart

and know everything about me.

²     You know when I sit down or stand up.

You know my every thought when far away.

³     You chart the path ahead of me

and tell me where to stop and rest.

Every moment you know where I am.

⁴     You know what I am going to say

even before I say it, Lord.

⁵     You both precede and follow me.

You place your hand of blessing on my head.

⁶     Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too great for me to know!

⁷     I can never escape from your spirit!

I can never get away from your presence!

⁸     If I go up to heaven, you are there;

if I go down to the place of the dead, you are there.

⁹     If I ride the wings of the morning,

if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

¹⁰     even there your hand will guide me,

and your strength will support me.

¹¹     I could ask the darkness to hide me

and the light around me to become night—

¹²     but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.

To you the night shines as bright as day.

Darkness and light are both alike to you.

¹³     You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

¹⁴     Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous—and how well I know it.

¹⁵     You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,

as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

¹⁶     You saw me before I was born.

Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out

before a single day had passed.

¹⁷     How precious are your thoughts about me, O God!

They are innumerable!

¹⁸     I can’t even count them;

they outnumber the grains of sand!

And when I wake up in the morning,

you are still with me!

New Living Translation

I am amazed at God's love.  The sheer delight expressed in this Psalm leaves me speechless.  How is it possible that the Almighty God, the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe, actually cares about me?!

I have always understood that God knows everything about me.  He knows what I do, what I say, what I think, and how I feel.  He knows my motives, even when I lie to myself about them.  I know quite a bit about myself too - and what I know tells me that I am such a mess, nobody should love me.  Especially not a perfect, holy God.  

How can He look at me, and not see me as a disappointment?  I was conceived through rape, unwanted by either parent.  My father made several attempts to end my life before I was even born.  My mother ended up in the hospital a couple times while carrying me.  Not only was she being beaten by my father, she also had a serious kidney disease.  It is a miracle I was even born.

God was helping me to grow, protecting me, making sure that I was not only born, but actually born healthy.  He had a purpose for my life, and these obstacles would not stand in the way.

A multitude of abusers shattered my trust, and my spirit.  But God loves me.  He always loved me.  From my earliest memories, I knew He was real, and that He was with me.  I remember making up songs about God, and dancing in my crib.  Such an odd thing for an unchurched little girl to be doing, especially when surrounded by violence and perversion.

As I grew older, I lost that sense of innocent acceptance.  In my adult logic I have demanded an answer to the question "Why?  Why did You let me go through such suffering?  How can You be good, and just, and fair, and holy, and still let the innocent be hurt?"

I want to say I have an answer to that question.  I have theories, partial answers, and a growing sense of peace, but I can't debate this issue with others who have the same question because I still do not understand why God lets some things happen.

God has never felt compelled to explain Himself to me, any more than He felt He had to justify His actions to Job.  But He has given me an answer.  It doesn't explain why He did anything.  It is a declaration of His heart.  

He loves me.  He created me.  He knows everything about me.  He has a plan for my life.  He thinks about me all the time.  I am His passion!  He loves me so much, He came to earth, suffered more than I ever have, died an agonizing death, descended to Hell itself, and then arose again, just so that I could be forgiven for all my sins and live in His presence for eternity.  

He loves me.  And He loves you.  More than you can ever imagine.

I drove through Parkersburg, Iowa today.  This is the town that endured an F5 tornado on May 25, 2008.  The south side of town was devastated.  While driving through, I stopped to take a few pictures of the rebuilding process with my cell phone.

The thing that has struck me most, both here and at the site of another F5 tornado in Plainfield, Illinois near where my parents lived (Aug. 28, 1990), is how the landscape appeared to be scoured.  (For a picture of the Plainville tornado destruction, see http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2325/2805425525_f2e8aee080.jpg?v=)  In the areas under reconstruction, there are virtually no trees left standing.  In one of my pictures, there is a tree, but the branches appear to have all been cropped.  This was at the northern end of the path of destruction.  South of this, there are no trees left at all. 

I took a picture of the construction going on at the school, and another of a bank that is having the entire front end of the building rebuilt.  I had watched a video on You Tube that this bank's security camera took as the tornado tore through the building.  I am amazed that with the power of that storm, even half of the building was left standing.

Tornadoes fascinate me.  I would like to see one someday - preferably from a very safe distance!  I'm curious, but I'm not foolish!  It is incredible to think that so much destruction can come from moving air.

I may never have seen an actual tornado, but there have been the equivalent of F5's in my life.  One moment all is well.  A moment later, devastation hits and I'm left wondering how everything can fall apart so completely, so fast.

In Parkersburg, the destruction isn't the end of the story.  Where a few months ago there was nothing but debris, there are now beautiful new homes and businesses under construction.  The same is true in our lives.  

Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."  Storms come, and the results can cause all kinds of havoc.  But God is so sovereign, so amazing, that He can take the very worst that life throws at us, and use it to build something beautiful.  THAT is a power infinitely greater than the strength of an F5 tornado! 

Matthew 9:35-38

³⁵ Jesus traveled through all the cities and villages of that area, teaching in the synagogues and announcing the Good News about the Kingdom. And wherever he went, he healed people of every sort of disease and illness. ³⁶ He felt great pity for the crowds that came, because their problems were so great and they didn’t know where to go for help. They were like sheep without a shepherd. ³⁷ He said to his disciples, “The harvest is so great, but the workers are so few. ³⁸ So pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest; ask him to send out more workers for his fields.”

New Living Translation

Culture may have changed since the days of Jesus, but people haven't changed.  Our problems may look different on the surface, but when you get right down to it, the core of our issues are the same now as then.

It seems that even the most "together" people I know have problems they can't solve.  Issues involving finances, health, relationships or the past seem to be plaguing everyone...myself included.

I had a co-worker ask me today if I would pray for the Rapture.  She was joking...sort of.  Life is hard at times, and the desire to find the perfect escape can be pretty strong.  That is why addictions are so rampant.  A few moments of drunken forgetfulness can be the only relief some people get.

I don't know why life has to be so hard.  Why is it that as soon as one crisis passes, another is about to begin?  It is exhausting.  I've felt the cloud of despair settling over me too many times to count.

Every time I've felt hopeless, I felt completely alone.  I didn't know what to do, where to go for help, or even how to get up in the morning and face the day.

I knew I wasn't alone.  Not only did I have a wonderful, supportive husband, but I also had my Lord.  It would be so neat and easy to say that the problem all along was that I had wandered from Jesus, and this depression was the consequences.  All I had to do was repent and start praying and reading my Bible again and all would be well.  But the hard truth is that some of my darkest times were when my spiritual life was at it's strongest.  

God has always helped me to recover.  I can't really explain how, I just know that as I held on to Him and His promises, eventually the darkness faded and hope returned.  He was my anchor when life seemed to make no sense at all.

Why does God let me go through these struggles?  It seems wrong.  If I am close to Him, shouldn't life be full of peace and joy?

I think part of the answer is in this passage.  Jesus wants me to be like Him.  He wants me to see the hurt that others are battling, and to point them to the only real help there is.  Sadly, I am not as compassionate as Jesus is.  I want to be, but it doesn't come as naturally as I would like.  Having to go through hard times myself has made me more compassionate.

It is easier to offer advice than it is to offer empathy.  But having been on the receiving end of all sorts of spiritual-sounding nuggets of advice myself, I know just how much these well-meaning phrases can hurt when the person saying them isn't really sharing my pain.  Instead of easing my burden, it increased it.  I felt unheard, uncared for and judged, much like Job did when his so-called friends tried to help him.

But there were others who understood what I was going through.  Sometimes all a friend had to do was be there; no words were necessary.  I felt cared for, loved, and understood.  The problem didn't magically disappear, but it became easier to bear because of the empathy of a friend.  

And then, that friend could point me to the One who offers me real hope.  Often my attitude did need to be adjusted, or I had to repent, or I had to forgive someone who had hurt me.  But no preaching or lecturing was necessary.  I didn't need correction, I just needed compassion.  That opened a door to the healing work of Jesus.    

Because I have been hurt myself and was comforted by a compassionate friend who pointed me to Jesus, I can do the same for the hurting people all around me.  If I stop preaching, or throwing good theology at others, and just love them and point them to Jesus, I wonder how many lives can be changed?

Romans 4:4-8

⁴ When people work, their wages are not a gift. Workers earn what they receive. ⁵ But people are declared righteous because of their faith, not because of their work.

⁶ King David spoke of this, describing the happiness of an undeserving sinner who is declared to be righteous:

⁷     “Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven,

whose sins are put out of sight.

⁸     Yes, what joy for those

whose sin is no longer counted against them by the Lord.”

New Living Translation 

Verses 7-8 are a quote from Psalm 32:1-2.  David had sinned greatly with Bathsheba, and he knew all about shame and regret.  He also knew all about God's grace and forgiveness.

I have a lot of regrets.  I have sinned so much.  If I could turn back time and do some things over again, I would in a heartbeat.  The shame of my failures can be so intense, sometimes it takes my breath away.  Most of these failures are so private that nobody else even knows about them.  But I can't forget them.

The hope given in these verses, from King David's testamony and the teaching of the apostle Paul, is that God does forget them.  His forgiveness and cleansing is so deep and complete that if I take God at His word, I don't ever have to let the shame of the past weigh me down again.

David's sin was recorded in Scripture.  Everyone who has read the Bible for the past few thousands of years has known about his sin.  And yet, he was set free from the shame of it.  Sure, people may still label him an adulturer and a murderer.  But I don't know one single Christian who thinks of David in those terms.  They instead see him as God declared him to be:  a man after God's own heart.  

God forgave him, cleansed him, and called him righteous.  And this wasn't because of some great deed that David did to make up for his great sin.  There is nothing he could do that would ever make up for what he had done.  He couldn't bring Uriah back to life.  He couldn't give Bathsheba her purity back...or his own for that matter.  

No, David didn't do a thing to deserve what God did for him.  All he did was take God at His word.  He said that if anyone who sins would confess their sin, that He would be faithful and just, and forgive them of their sin.  David didn't just give a mental nod to this, he depended on it for his very life.

I can't imagine how he could have lived with the public exposure of his very worse sin, if he didn't have the comfort of knowing that God had forgiven him and declared him righteous.  He allowed God to take away his shame, and he didn't look back.  He moved on.  It is true that his sin had some lasting consequences.  But he didn't wallow in the shame.  He didn't try to hide it.  He didn't let it define him.  He belonged to God.  He was made clean and pure again.  

This happiness, this hope that Paul said David had, can also be mine.  It can be anyone's.  It only takes a moment to stop running from the shame, and instead confess it.  Repentance can seem so hard, because it hurts to own the shame that we rightfully deserve.  But the freedom it brings is soooo worth it!

You let the distress bring you to God, not drive you from Him.  The result was all gain, no loss.  Distress that drives us to God does that.  It turns us around.  It gets us back in the way of salvation.  We never regret that kind of pain.  But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets.  And now, isn't it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God?  You're more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible.  Looked at from any angle, you've come out of this with purity of heart.

The Message, 2 Corinthians 7:9-12

I don't like making mistakes.  A panic rises in me that is indescribable whenever I think I have done something wrong.  Growing up, a small blunder could bring terrible beatings.  I've not fully recovered from that.  So when I do something wrong now, whether intentional or unintentional, I'm terrified.

The sad thing is, I'm not perfect.  Oh how I wish I were!  But sometimes I'm still selfish, or I'm irritable, or sometimes I just get careless and do something foolish.  I try to be perfect, but I can't pull it off.

This last week, I made a mistake.  (OK, I made more than one.  But I'm only going to talk about one!)  I started 12 flasks boiling on the distillation rack at work, then went into the cooler to get some samples.  I had trouble finding what I needed, and was in there too long.  When I got back out, my flasks had boiled down to nothing.  In a rush I turned them off and disconnected them, but it was too late.  Six of the flasks had cracks in them, and two of them exploded in my face.  I'm amazed I wasn't seriously injured by the flying shards of very hot glass.

I panicked.  My first thought was, "How can I hide this?"  What a foolish thought!  The noise from the exploding flasks was hard to ignore.  My coworkers ran to the scene to make sure I was OK.  That was bad enough, the embarrassment was intense.  But one of the other chemist alerted my boss.  Sheer terror exploded in my head, causing far more chaos and destruction than those flasks could every have caused.  My mind was racing as I desperately looked for a way out of this situation.

Jim came running, and said, "Are you OK?  Don't worry about the flasks.  We have more flasks.  ARE YOU OK?!!!"

I was stunned.  My expectation was punishment.  That expectation has been drilled into my head since I was a small child.  I spill my milk, I am beaten until I can't sit.  Surely if I make a mistake that destroys 8 flasks that cost a couple hundred dollars each, I am at the very least going to get fired!

Isn't it funny that after all these years as a Christian, after all this time with a good, kind husband, and after 2 years at a job where mistakes are understood (though clearly discouraged!), I still haven't internalized the message of grace.

This passage of scripture is about grace.  The Corinthians had a sin issue in their church that the apostle Paul had to address in a previous letter.  A man was living in sexual immorality, and instead of lovingly correcting them, they were proud of their tolerance as they embraced his behavior.  (There is a serious message for today's church in that situation...but that is another topic entirely!)

It hurt them a lot to be criticized.  It is never fun to face the truth that you have been wrong.  But once Paul pointed out that truth, they had a choice to make - how were they going to respond?

They could have become angry, defensive, and bitter.  I've done that so many times I'm ashamed to even think about it.  It isn't that I don't know right from wrong.  I just get so afraid of the coming punishment, I try to use the sheer force of my will to convince my accuser that I'm justified, and therefore OK.  The Corinthians could have done that.  

They could have made excuses, lived in denial, much like I wanted to try to hide the broken flasks.  They could have denied that they really understood what was happening, or that others may have approved, but not ME!

Instead, they did something that I struggle a lot with.  They accepted the criticism, and fixed the problem.  They modeled the concept of repentance.  It was a painful situation, but because they faced the truth and repented, they received grace.  Because with God, correction or discipline is much different from how I experienced it in my childhood.

Back then, discipline was not designed to teach me anything or to help me grow.  It served only as a release for my mother's anger and frustration.  My response was irrelevant.  Punishment continued until she felt some kind of release.  (My mother did the best she knew how to do, having been raised in the same type of atmosphere.  She made mistakes, and also deserves grace.  She is learning better responses now.)

When God disciplines, His intent is very different.  He has no issues with out-of-control anger.  So His anger isn't because His ego is hurt; it is because our sin is destroying us, His beloved children.  His love is so great He simply cannot let it go unchallenged, any more than I could allow one of my children to become involved in drug abuse without my intervention.  Love demands discipline, because sin destroys the sinner.  

God's desire in His disciplining is for us to grow closer to Him, and to become pure and holy.  His discipline is done in love, and with grace.  It is for our benefit, not just so He can vent His frustrations.

It is never fun facing mistakes and failure.  But it can make me stronger.  But that will only happen if I can be humble enough to admit my failures, and learn from them.  For me this takes a tremendous about of trust in the goodness and grace of God.

Struggles and Answers to Prayer

⁵ Then, teaching them more about prayer, he used this illustration: “Suppose you went to a friend’s house at midnight, wanting to borrow three loaves of bread. You would say to him, ⁶ ‘A friend of mine has just arrived for a visit, and I have nothing for him to eat.’ ⁷ He would call out from his bedroom, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is locked for the night, and we are all in bed. I can’t help you this time.’ ⁸ But I tell you this—though he won’t do it as a friend, if you keep knocking long enough, he will get up and give you what you want so his reputation won’t be damaged.

⁹ “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks.

¹¹ “You fathers—if your children ask for a fish, do you give them a snake instead? ¹² Or if they ask for an egg, do you give them a scorpion? Of course not! ¹³ If you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him.”

Holy Bible : New Living Translation. 1997, c1996 (electronic ed.) (Lk 11:4). Wheaton: Tyndale House

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A week ago Friday, I had an answer to prayer.  It seems like a silly thing, but it was very important to me at that time.  You see, I had just read this passage that morning, and was struggling with all it says.

I didn't have good parents.  My needs were not only unmet, they were disdained.  My entire adult life, when I have read this passage, I wonder...what happens to those of us who DID get the snake instead of the fish, and therefore learned that nobody can be trusted?

(Admittedly, I'm seeing this from the eyes of a hurt child, not a good parent.  I would never treat my own children in such a way, and my perspective is totally different when I see this passage as Jesus stated it.  If my kids ask me for something, I'd move heaven and earth if possible to get them what they need.)

On Thursday, I ran into a problem at work.  I needed to run a test on a city water sample, but the sample was nowhere to be found.  I spent about an hour in a walk-in cooler, about the size of an average bedroom, looking for it.  I was frozen, and still without my sample.

On Friday morning, I read this passage, and perhaps foolishly decided to test God.  I told Him I really needed that sample, it was gone, and I was desperate.  Because the sad truth is, even if the sample is missing, if the results aren't in, I am the one in trouble.  

I prayed a ridiculously childish prayer, explaining that really, much more was at stake here than getting these results in on time.  What was really at stake was my ability to trust.  So many painful things have happened over the past few years in ministry, my faith has been shaken to the core.  I needed some evidence that God really does care about me.  I needed God to give me that sample.

The first thing I did when I got to work was to go into the cooler.  I didn't even go to my lab first to get my lab coat.  And sure enough...the sample was still not on the shelf it was supposed to be on.  So I prayed again, and started looking on all the shelves again, even though I had done that several times the night before.  After about 5 minutes, I found the sample, sitting all by itself at the back of a shelf, nowhere near where it was supposed to be.

I was stunned at first, and must have checked the numbers on the label a dozen times to make sure it was really what I was looking for.  Then I knelt down on the freezing concrete and thanked God for His answer.

I didn't realize just how important that answer to a simple prayer was going to be until the weekend, but God surely knew.  

On Sunday evenings I was in the cooler, getting some samples that needed to be set on a digester overnight, so I could run my tests for results due on Monday.  I can't really explain what happened, except that I had some sort of flashback from past abuse.  I had an intense panic attack, then I "forgot" what I had just thought of.  It is strange to say that I can remember forgetting, but I can't remember what I forgot...never mind...I'm confusing myself!

Anyway, whatever that was, it has left me off balance all week long.  And all week, despite the pain and confusion and panic, I have remembered these verses and God's answer to a seemingly meaningless request.  If God would listen to me, and help me when all I needed was to find a lost sample, then He surely knows what is going on now, even when I don't, and He will help me.

At times like this, God's promises can be like sand on the beach.  There is an endless supply, but when I try to grab onto it and hold on to it, it just seems to slip through my fingers.  But I can bury my hand in the sand, and then it is surrounded by it on all sides.  I can't grab God's promises and hold them and make them work how I want them to.  But I can bury myself in them and just wait this out.