Online Mentors

Lately, as I have been trying to learn how to be a church planter, I have connected with many potential mentors. There are pastors/leaders I follow on Twitter who post regular blogs with leadership skills. There are church planter organizations that send me newsletters with articles that attempt to teach me how to reach the lost and be a better pastor. There are even some that are constantly trying to sell me books or other resources that surely will make all the difference in our weekly attendance and giving levels. And I am discovering that I'm getting burned out on them.

It's not that anything they are saying or doing is bad. They have great points to make, many of them learned the hard way. I think the reality of my reaction right now is twofold.

1. Most of them are pastors of hundreds, not a dozen. The things they talk about may apply to me someday, or they may apply to me on a lesser scale, but over all we dwell in completely different universes. I don't need to hear how to motivate the masses, or how to corral huge movements. I work in a secular job with about half of my congregation. We are constantly interacting. They see my behavior in real life on a daily basis, and apparently they approve enough to allow me to lead this church. What I crave from these mentors is to know how to hear the voice of God, and how to see Him come meet with our group of 12 in such a powerful way that the room shakes. Don't teach me how to be a better leader or a better speaker. Teach me to know God better!

2. Some of what I am reading is starting to feel like gimmicks. I know this is not the case with most of these men, because I see their character and know that they have proven their mettle. They are trying to take their experiences, many learned the hard way, and teach those of us who follow with simple, easy to remember lists. Their intentions are pure. But in part because of the volume of such posts available and in part because of my natural desire to look for formulas and shortcuts, I find myself looking not for the principles behind the words, but a clear-cut path to success.

It is #2 that scares me.

I suspect this is why Jesus didn't give the disciples - or us - a list of 10 Ways to Be Fishers of Men. Instead He told them to be fishers of men, and then modeled that in His daily life. It is harder to find the "how-to" this way, but it is best. We read the stories of how Jesus was a fisher of souls, and look for how we can do the same today in our context. Most of the time, this takes a lot of thought and prayer. It would be easier to have a checklist of things to do or not to do, but each situation calls for a unique approach.

I do appreciate the many blogs and lessons posted by my online mentors, and I will likely continue to read them. But my reason for reading them has changed. Instead of looking for keys that will help me grow my church, I will be reading them for things that will challenge my character. God will take care of my church, and it will grow or not grow in His will and in His timing.

My attitudes, desires, and my complete submission to God are within my control though. And as I follow those who have gone before, I will depend on their lessons to show me the subtle traps that can allow sin to get in the way of my mission.

And as for those who are constantly trying to sell me something that will produce an instant 20% increase in giving, or 10% more visitors next Sunday - forget it! Devotion to God can't be bought in a program. I'll stick to making disciples the slow and dangerous way.

Cortisone shot

Today I got an epidural cortisone shot for my herniated disk. I started the day with a visit to the doctor. He was really nice. When he learned I was a pastor, he asked me if I get my sermons from the internet. I assured him that I do not - I go straight to the Source! I do use the internet as a research tool, though.

After it was determined that I would indeed have the shot today, I had an hour and a half to wait. I went to the Grinnell hospital to visit a man in my congregation who is a patient, then went with my husband to Hardee's so he could have lunch.

I didn't have to wait too long once I checked in at the hospital. I will admit that time passed more quickly thanks to my new iPad and an episode of NCIS. I didn't have quite enough time to finish the episode before I was taken back to the OR.

The procedure itself went amazingly fast. I laid on my stomach, and the doctor marked the spot on my back. He set up the C arm for the X-ray machine, then numbed that part of my back. That stung a bit, but it wasn't bad. A minute or two later and he began the injection. It took about a minute to get to the right place and inject the steroid. I knew when it was injected because I got an intense headache as it rushed up my spine.

By then it was done. The headache faded a bit as I stood up. I walked myself back to the recovery area, and it was all finished.

I had orders to lay on a bag of frozen peas once I got home. I've been doing that all afternoon and evening, and I have to say I'd make a terrible princess. There were no mattresses between me and the pea, and still I was able to nap just fine! However the headache has gotten steadily worse throughout the evening, and there is a nasty aching feeling from the point of the injection down to my toes. I'm sure it will be better by morning, but sleep may be a difficult thing tonight.

I just read this article while preparing for my Sunday sermon, from the Enhanced Strong's Lexicon:

907 βαπτίζω [baptizo /bap·tid·zo/] verb.1 to dip repeatedly, to immerse, to submerge (of vessels sunk). 2 to cleanse by dipping or submerging, to wash, to make clean with water, to wash one’s self, bathe. 3 to overwhelm. Additional Information: Not to be confused with 911, bapto. The clearest example that shows the meaning of baptizo is a text from the Greek poet and physician Nicander, who lived about 200 B.C. It is a recipe for making pickles and is helpful because it uses both words. Nicander says that in order to make a pickle, the vegetable should first be ‘dipped’ (bapto) into boiling water and then ‘baptised’ (baptizo) in the vinegar solution. Both verbs concern the immersing of vegetables in a solution. But the first is temporary. The second, the act of baptising the vegetable, produces a permanent change.When used in the New Testament, this word more often refers to our union and identification with Christ than to our water baptism. e.g. Mark 16:16. ‘He that believes and is baptised shall be saved’. Christ is saying that mere intellectual assent is not enough. There must be a union with him, a real change, like the vegetable to the pickle! (Bible Study Magazine, James Montgomery Boice, May 1989.)

That is an awesome illustration! Our baptism as Christians has two parts. The first is a water baptism. According to Paul, our baptism unites us with Christ. Some believe that we are actually saved by the act of baptism. I believe the Bible makes it clear that we are saved by faith alone, not works. Therefore, the act of baptism cannot save us.

Others believe that water baptism is a symbol, an outward declaration that we are now believers in Christ. It is symbolic of being cleansed, washed of our sins. I believe this is true. However, I think there is more to this ritual.

The Jews were part of God's chosen people by birth, but each individual (males, anyway), had to enter into that covenant in a formal way.

A covenant is a very serious agreement between two parties, that can never be broken. There are covenants between peers, and a Suzerian covenant that is between a lord or master, and a peasant. In that covenant, the master offers all the benefits, and the peasant offers undying loyalty. There is a ceremony sealing that covenant.

God made such a covenant with Abraham. Part of the ceremonial sealing of this agreement was circumcision. It was a vital part of the drama, and the covenant was not complete without it.

Through Jesus, we have a covenant with God. He makes us His children, and offers us eternal life. We seal that covenant through the act of baptism.

The second part of our baptism is being filled with the Holy Spirit. Jesus told the disciples in Acts 1:4b-5: “Do not leave Jerusalem until the Father sends you the gift he promised, as I told you before. John baptized with water, but in just a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit.”

I have been pondering the meaning of baptism, and why being filled with the Holy Spirit is called baptism by Jesus. Of course there is the idea that water baptism symbolizes being washed, and the Holy Spirit actually makes us clean on the inside. We are promised that God will actually change our hearts in several places in the Old Testament, including this passage from Ezekiel 11:19-20: ^"And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart, so they will obey my decrees and regulations. Then they will truly be my people, and I will be their God."

But there is another aspect to this baptism that this article I quoted at the beginning helped me to understand.

In water baptism, we are dipped, like the vegetable that is being pickled is dipped into the boiling water. Of course our baptism is permanent, not needing to be repeated. But we can't stay in the water. We may have died to self, but we still have to live! Besides, our toes would get all wrinkled if this water baptism was a constant experience.

But when we are baptized with the Holy Spirit, we are to remain in Him. He is to fill us, and we are to remain filled. Of course there are times when that filling is made new again, refreshed in a sense. But should the Spirit ever leave us, we are in deep trouble.

So Lord, pickle me! I don't mean make me sour! I mean, fill me with Your Holy Spirit, and let it be forever!

Miracles do happen, and healing from abuse is possible! I may have experienced the greatest evidence of this in my own life just last night. The treatment for colitis is bringing up some very traumatic memories. The typical pattern is that when this issue resurfaces, I have nightmares, and often even flashbacks. I'm into day 4 so far, and this hasn't happened.This is a huge step in healing for me.

In fact, I had a pretty amazing dream last night. I woke up about 3:30 (due to minor pain, not as bad as it has been.) I was dreaming when I woke up. I can't remember the context of this dream, but I was saying again and again "Yeshua Hamashiach." This was pretty incredible, because it is not a name I'm familiar with. I know the name Yeshua very well. It is Jesus in Hebrew. But though I have heard Hamashiach before, and I know that it is His title Messiah or Christ, it is not a word that I claim to know. In fact, it took several hours of hard thinking and an internet search before I could even remember what the name was!

This is an amazing sign of recovery. I'm facing one of my most violent, humiliating memories, and instead of having nightmares and flashbacks, I wake up from a dream where I'm praising my Savior - even when I'm in the middle of an attack of pain! It just isn't possible to doubt that Jesus does miracles, and that healing is possible, when things like this happens.

This week, with the pain I've been in from my colitis, has been very stressful. One of my weaknesses is that when I'm stressed, I'm very vulnerable to temptations.

One of my constant struggles is to be honest when things go wrong. I faced that challenge this morning, when feeling far too weak to deal with it.

I found a mistake on a data report. I was adding something to a sheet from over a week ago, and noticed that what was in the computer did not match up with what was on my data sheet. I typed in that a sample was run at a 10X dilution. My sheet - which is correct - said it was a 20X. So the client got sample results that were half of what they really were.

It's crazy to think that this could effect me as much as it did. But for some reason, these things always do. I had a moral decision to make at this point. I could ignore it and hope the client never realizes that something is wrong. If they do complain later that their data isn't what was expected, I could pretend I had not noticed it now. Or I could go to my boss, admit I made a mistake, and have them send out a corrected report.

It seems like such an easy decision. It should have been. But the terror I experience whenever I make a mistake just won't go away. I battled the temptation for a few minutes, and then realized that I am not my own. I can't afford to protect myself. The quality of the data is our company's reputation. More importantly, my honesty reflects upon my God. If I believe what I preach, I have to live it out even when it scares me.

I talked to my boss. He wasn't thrilled, but he wasn't mad either. You'd think by now I'd know this is what will happen.

I am so grateful for the work of the Holy Spirit in this. I'm fairly certain that a few years ago I would have taken the easy but dishonest way out.

I've been struggling with a colitis flare-up since Thursday afternoon. I made it through our home church meeting fine, things didn't get really bad until about midnight. But I've been pretty miserable ever since then.

I was trying to track what I could have done to bring this on. Usually it is easy to trace: I ate broccoli, or whole wheat. But on Wednesday, I had fasted until dinner. At dinner, I had macaroni hamburger helper - not something that causes me problems.

Part of the problem could certainly be my stress level. Ever since Wyatt left and I have taken over his methods, I have been pretty stressed out. Trying to keep up with everything has been a challenge, and doing new things in general makes me a bit anxious.

My doctor told me that fasting does tend to cause flare-ups in people with irritable bowel syndrome, so this could be part of my problem too. Apparently, when the colon sits empty for a bit, putting food into it again causes irritation. So she suggested I try an alternative to my fasting.

I want to keep up this discipline, but like diabetics, I am just going to have to adjust it to fit my health needs. After all, suffering for no reason at all is not pious, just foolish. And if I fast and as a result incapacitate myself for a week, I'm not benefiting God's Kingdom at all!

So, on my fasting days, I will eat, but only a predetermined food, like maybe toast or oatmeal. The doctor said oatmeal would be best, because the fiber would help.

In the meantime, I'm still recovering, and living on toast, jell-o, and mashed potatoes. I have to confess, I have done precious little Bible study since this flare up started. I can hardly think straight, because I'm in so much pain. I have been praying, but it is sporadic, and brief. And sadly, much of my prayers have consisting of begging for relief. I hate being this self focused.

I worked on Friday, and went to our block party at Debra Heights on Saturday, and that activity didn't help me recover. I don't think it made it worse though. I stayed home all day Sunday and barely moved, but there was still no improvement. I tried to work today, but after going to the doctor, I gave up. I was in too much pain, and I was running a fever. My white blood cell count was normal, so the fever is most likely a sign that I may be getting dehydrated, and exhausted.

Whenever I stay home from church or work, I am plagued with guilt. I have always fought the belief that I'm lazy, or a hypochondriac. Whenever I'm sick, I assume I'm really faking it. It takes extreme symptoms like this for me to accept that an illness is real. All day yesterday, I felt horrible for missing church. I know logically that staying home was the right thing to do. I probably should have stayed home Friday and Saturday. I am fighting the same guilt today, because I missed half a day at the lab.

I know that this is not logical at all. I know that God wants me to take care of this body that He has given me. I know He isn't a merciless task master, driving me to perform when I clearly can't. Yet because of my messed up perceptions, I have felt ashamed and separated from Him for the past few days.

I want to live out what we talked about Thursday night. I really do want to abide in Christ. I want Him to be first in my life all the time. It is hard enough to do this when life is full, and I'm working at top speed trying to catch up. For some reason, it is even harder for me when I'm sick.

It would make sense if I could say it is because I feel He has abandoned me by letting me suffer, but that isn't it at all. Instead, I feel shame for being sick. I assume it is because I did something stupid to bring it on, or that I'm faking in order to crawl under the covers and avoid life. I know this isn't the truth, yet still it is how I feel. Even a diagnosis can't take away the certainty that I'm just plain stupid, lazy, or both.

This deep rooted shame makes me want to hide from God. It isn't the smartest response, I know. Those times are when I need Him most. So I'm trying to break out of this pattern. I'm trying to pray, trying to still listen to my scripture podcasts, trying to read when I can focus. I can't afford to separate myself from Him now. I'm too weak and vulnerable. He is the source of my life, especially when I have nothing left in myself.

I wish it was always easy to live what I believe. I wish my intellectual understanding of the situation could easily overcome my gut level reactions. I wish I was always strong and healthy. But it is during these times that my faith grows, and I learn to be more dependent on Him. Lord Jesus, help me to cling to You when I need You most!

And hopefully my new meds will work quickly and I can get back to my normal self in a day or two.

I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.

I feel overwhelmed. There are times that starting a new church seems as natural as breathing. God created me to be a pastor. I have confidence in my skills, and in my God. But at other times, I’m pretty sure I’m insane for even trying such a thing.

I have been a pastor since 1997, and though I have loved it, it also brought much pain. I know how fulfilling ministry can be, and I know how hard it can be.

I have seen God move, and people saved. I have watched lives be transformed. I also sat by helpless and heartbroken as a church closed its doors. I have faced the unexplainable problem of silence from Heaven in the midst of deep pain.

Starting a church from scratch is terrifying. Right now we have 12 wonderful people who love the Lord. Our mission is simple: grow deeper in our love for and dependence on Jesus, and help others to know His saving grace for themselves. This is what I live my life for. Now there are others living this way along side me. It is wonderful.

But the responsibility is terrifying. Am I any where good enough to fill the role handed me? Absolutely not. I have never been perfect, and I never will be. I made some royal messes in my churches in the past, and I am aware of the likelihood of making brand new messes.

I am also not smart enough to pull this off. I may have a basic idea of planning, organizing and vision. But I’m not very charismatic. I have never been great at getting people to follow my plans.

Money is always an issue. My precious church in Clarinda closed because of a lack of funding. We prayed in faith, but still we closed. It is scary to step out a second time, and trust that this time will be different.

I live with a deep fear that God may let me fail again. And if that happens, what will I have left? Will I ever be able to be a pastor again, if this venture doesn’t pan out?

There are plenty of other fears and doubts. What will I do when conflict (which is an inevitable part of life) arises? Will I have the necessary wisdom to handle it? Will I know what to do, at the right time, to balance growth with spiritual formation? Do I have the intelligence to navigate a capitol campaign and a building project? Am I in over my head?

Absolutely, I am. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. If all this was something I could do in myself, I would do it myself. I would build my own little kingdom, proudly demonstrating to the world how amazing I am. And it would all be worthless.

But in this, I have nothing except a desire, and the realization that Jesus is building His church. It may be scary at times, and I’m sure it will get messy. But this is His project, and He is allowing me to join in.

I am committing to daily prayer, not only for my own spiritual needs, but for the direction of this church. Every aspect, from what songs to play, what scriptures to discuss, to what to have for dinner that night, I am bringing to Him. I am trusting that He will guide me. When problems do arise, my plan is to pray, and fast, and pray some more. Then I will do whatever He leads me to do, even if it scares me half to death.

I am planning to fast every Wednesday. This is in part because I know that my appetite tends to control me, and I want to be controlled only by God. It is also in part because I believe that God moves when we pray and fast.

Years ago, I read a biography of Louise Chapman, a Nazarene missionary. Whenever they would have evangelical meetings, she committed herself to pray and fast. She refused to eat until she saw God moving, and lives being changed.

I don’t have this discipline. But in her life, I don’t think discipline was the issue. Passion was. She had a very deep sense of what was at stake. She did not want to see anyone lost for eternity. In her mind, a few days of hunger pangs was well worth it, if even one soul was plucked from the clutches of hell.

Lord, fill me with your Spirit. I am desperate for You. Give me Your vision, Your wisdom, and Your love. I can’t do this without You.

Being Transformed

Romans 12:1-2And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. ² Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

New Living Translation

Jesus has done so much for me. He loved me when I felt unlovable. He healed my broken spirit. He has given me a life worth living. As Paul said in this passage, surely when I think of all He has done for me, it isn't too much to ask for me to live for Him. But really...what does that mean? It sounds so nice, to say that I am offering my life to Jesus. But on a practical level, how do I go about doing that?

Paul suggests that part of this means letting God determine my values. Society and my own desires want to dictate how I live. But this was what caused my downfall to begin with. My original state was one of self indulgence and self preservation. I did what felt good, and what seemed safe. This opened doors for immoral behavior and deception. Along with it came guilt and shame.

God's will is that I be pure, and holy. There is no room for moral compromise. There is real freedom in knowing that even if things are unpleasant, if I have been sincere and faithful, I don't have to live with a fear of exposure. God's way is always best. My way leads to secrets, shame, and fear.

But when the pressure is on, I am so weak. Instinct seems to drive me to sinful responses. Or...I should say it used to do so. That has been changing. God is working.

Because of His grace and love, I want to offer my life to Him. Because of this, I have confessed my weaknesses and failures, and asked for His help in changing. He has faithfully helped me to change, by actually changing how I think. When under stress, I notice two responses. The first is my natural, sinful reaction, that leads to trouble. The second is God's way for me to react. And I get to choose which one I act on.

I will admit, too often I choose poorly. But more and more, I'm finding I can't live with that choice. Before hardly any time at all passes, I'm pleading for forgiveness and a chance for a "do-over." And even better, I'm making the right choice more frequently.

Transformation is not easy, or comfortable. It isn't something I can do by myself. But it is something I can ask for. After that, my task is to cooperate as God performs a truly awesome miracle - changing the way I think!