Psalm 139:1-18

¹     O Lord, you have examined my heart

and know everything about me.

²     You know when I sit down or stand up.

You know my every thought when far away.

³     You chart the path ahead of me

and tell me where to stop and rest.

Every moment you know where I am.

⁴     You know what I am going to say

even before I say it, Lord.

⁵     You both precede and follow me.

You place your hand of blessing on my head.

⁶     Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too great for me to know!

⁷     I can never escape from your spirit!

I can never get away from your presence!

⁸     If I go up to heaven, you are there;

if I go down to the place of the dead, you are there.

⁹     If I ride the wings of the morning,

if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

¹⁰     even there your hand will guide me,

and your strength will support me.

¹¹     I could ask the darkness to hide me

and the light around me to become night—

¹²     but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.

To you the night shines as bright as day.

Darkness and light are both alike to you.

¹³     You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

¹⁴     Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous—and how well I know it.

¹⁵     You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,

as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

¹⁶     You saw me before I was born.

Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out

before a single day had passed.

¹⁷     How precious are your thoughts about me, O God!

They are innumerable!

¹⁸     I can’t even count them;

they outnumber the grains of sand!

And when I wake up in the morning,

you are still with me!

New Living Translation

I am amazed at God's love.  The sheer delight expressed in this Psalm leaves me speechless.  How is it possible that the Almighty God, the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe, actually cares about me?!

I have always understood that God knows everything about me.  He knows what I do, what I say, what I think, and how I feel.  He knows my motives, even when I lie to myself about them.  I know quite a bit about myself too - and what I know tells me that I am such a mess, nobody should love me.  Especially not a perfect, holy God.  

How can He look at me, and not see me as a disappointment?  I was conceived through rape, unwanted by either parent.  My father made several attempts to end my life before I was even born.  My mother ended up in the hospital a couple times while carrying me.  Not only was she being beaten by my father, she also had a serious kidney disease.  It is a miracle I was even born.

God was helping me to grow, protecting me, making sure that I was not only born, but actually born healthy.  He had a purpose for my life, and these obstacles would not stand in the way.

A multitude of abusers shattered my trust, and my spirit.  But God loves me.  He always loved me.  From my earliest memories, I knew He was real, and that He was with me.  I remember making up songs about God, and dancing in my crib.  Such an odd thing for an unchurched little girl to be doing, especially when surrounded by violence and perversion.

As I grew older, I lost that sense of innocent acceptance.  In my adult logic I have demanded an answer to the question "Why?  Why did You let me go through such suffering?  How can You be good, and just, and fair, and holy, and still let the innocent be hurt?"

I want to say I have an answer to that question.  I have theories, partial answers, and a growing sense of peace, but I can't debate this issue with others who have the same question because I still do not understand why God lets some things happen.

God has never felt compelled to explain Himself to me, any more than He felt He had to justify His actions to Job.  But He has given me an answer.  It doesn't explain why He did anything.  It is a declaration of His heart.  

He loves me.  He created me.  He knows everything about me.  He has a plan for my life.  He thinks about me all the time.  I am His passion!  He loves me so much, He came to earth, suffered more than I ever have, died an agonizing death, descended to Hell itself, and then arose again, just so that I could be forgiven for all my sins and live in His presence for eternity.  

He loves me.  And He loves you.  More than you can ever imagine.